• First, I am not a writer. I've tried setting up several blogs to share my thoughts with the world and never end up publishing what I've written because I'm critical of my writing skills. In group therapy sessions I have been told that I try too hard to be eloquent and I don't spend enough time expressing my feelings. It was recommended to me that I whip out a computer, turn the brightness all the way down, and write out a "stream of consciousness" journal. This means when my mind was racing, I would just type and type all my thoughts and I wouldn't have the screen in front of me so I wouldn't be able to critique what I was typing out. This is my pseudo version of a new stream of consciousness journal about some of the deepest feelings in my soul. This is not a place where I will use fancy language to paint a picture. This is real, raw, reflective material. 

• Second, I am not a blogger. At least I've never seen myself as a blogging type. In fact, as awful as it sounds to admit, I have never understood those called "mommy bloggers" who spend their time writing up material that no one reads. Yet here I am, a few days away from meeting my first baby and beginning my first blog. Be careful who you hate, it might become someone you love. 

• Third, bravery is one of the most important qualities I admire in myself. I have been hungry to practice bravery for quite some time. In the last several years, I have experienced so many changes in my thinking, my actions, and my entire way of seeing the world. I want to express myself in a safe place. This is my safe place. Here I will share with you the context of my actions, words, posts, etc. Take it or leave it. If it serves you, read on. If it doesn't serve you, move on. 

With all that out of the way, let me provide a brief overview of what's led up to this fine October evening in 2019.

I have decided to call this blog "Madeline Within Context" as a spin-off of my ever-so-popular
(eye-roll) Twitter account called "Madeline Out of Context." On that Twitter account, I spew so many random thoughts that I know most people will never see. And the small amount of characters really helps me keep up the "out of context" part. So here you can find the context of some of the experiences I briefly share/experience.

Of course my story begins way back in the 90's when I popped into the world, but we won't go back that far. I grew up a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS, Mormon) primarily in a suburb of Denver, Colorado. I grew up with a married mother and father and when I was ten years old, they divorced. My single home became two homes and my two younger sisters and I lived part-time with each parent. While I lived at home, my dad remarried and my mom did not. We moved very frequently and I moved in full time with my mom when I was 17.

At 18, I graduated early from high school and moved to Utah where I began to study at Utah Valley University. At the time, I thought I wanted to study psychology but I quickly learned I actually just needed a lot of therapy (which we all do, let's face it). I moved in with some great roommates in BYU housing, then went on a mission at 19. I had always assumed by the time I was 19, I would be able to serve a mission, so the age change back in 2012 didn't really surprise me. I was sent to Atlanta, Georgia (#GANM) where I primarily focused on the Spanish-speaking population. I met some of the most beautiful people there, and I experienced some of the most excrutiating and poignant life lessons. More on my mission later.

In 2016, I met Cameron, who would become my spouse in June 2017 Our relationship moved quite quickly, but what most people don't know is we spent every single day together from October '16 - June '17, minus a week or two when I was out of town for Christmas. We got to know each other so well and we were sure we wanted to continue to spend every day together after that. We were married in the SLC temple, then enjoyed the most perfect outdoor reception at his parents' home later that evening. After our honeymoon to Florida, we moved into our first apartment right down the street from Brigham Young University where we would live for the next two years and some change. In 2019, Cameron graduated from BYU and we bought our first home. In September, we got a puppy named Desmond (who has helped me overcome perinatal (prenatal?) depression, and we are loving living in this new stage of life.

Between 2016 and 2019, I have experienced some intense life changes. In chronological order, I:

1. Began treatment for an eating disorder (atypical anorexia) 
2. Decided to begin trying to conceive
3. Stopped attending and believing in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints